Phooey-phobia
I don’t need a personality test to tell me I am extroverted and bubbly. I love making friends, deep conversations, a party and attention. When I get myself out of my own way, I have some pretty handy evangelism tools.. I like learning new things, hearing what goals others are trying to reach and being challenged in my own convictions, therefore, becoming more grounded. I enjoy introducing new ideas and stirring internal growth in others. I want to be a positive presence. I truly am fascinated with people in general.
Oddly enough though, you know what I'm struggling with lately? I do not want to be noticed. I want to be affirmed but I want to blend in much more. I get scared of going places. I'm wary of new people. I'm terrified of change. I often feel like I'm in dangerous territory so that I'm tense and anxious all day. I just want to hide from the world. Quite frankly, it's not me at all, it's impossible and I'm just getting pretty worn out. This is such an unusual struggle for me.
I was also blessed to be granted with the greatest gift and desire of my heart in motherhood and now my protective instincts make me crazy. Who I am as a person is more often than not at war with all kinds of new fear. The world is definitely evil. But ya know? It's as evil as it always was yet I suddenly feel like it's after me. Why did my invincibility disappear?? Because I came to terms pretty quickly that, obviously, my baby is not invincible.
It's most important to note before I continue that I am a believer in Jesus Christ. I call on the Lord daily. I'm well invested in the Word of God. I have solid, like-minded community. So why didn't the chill pill go down?
First of all, HORMONES. My kid is almost 2 and I firmly believe that I still have some trace amounts of postpartum anxiety happening. Is that a thing?? Yep. PPD can last a lengthy 3 years in some form or another for about 30% women*. God and I have discussed anxiety plenty of times.
Second, God said we would have pain in childbearing.** Epidurals, empty wombs or desire to not have kids doesn't exempt women of this statement. This truth of this is in the heart of all women. There is some sort of maternal longing in all of us gals whether it's to have children, have safe children, care for someone, belong to someone or to be needed. You can't deny this. It's God's truth.
Am I saying God makes me scared of the world? No. He often says do not fear the world. *** I am suggesting that God has given us insight to a love so deep you'd be willing to die for the one you love without hesitation to save them if that's what they needed. He did that Himself. Read that story here!! Read this whole book as it will not take you long. If you get excited (you will!) read further into the story through the remaining gospel books of Matthew, Mark and Luke. Best thing you'll ever read! Perhaps the fruit from the tree of knowledge of good and evil let us see more of God's heart than we realized and it is quite heavy to handle for our fleshy form. You can read more about that tree and it's story in Genesis 2-3.
See, reality sets in when another helpless being becomes totally dependent on you. Is this how God looks upon us? As helpless children with no ability to shield ourselves from the elements around us? Is it as though He parents by providing the battle tools and nurturing that we need for this side of eternity? I believe the answer is yes.
Furthermore, are nonbelievers this helpless and dependent on believers to tell the truth of the gospel? Yes!!! It's war out there. The natural and supernatural worlds are in great combat. It's around me physically as well as spiritually and I want my children safe in this unsafe world. This is my actual tension, my fear. But if I keep my eyes set on eternity and remember that I'm on the winning side of this battle, I'll remember to view others as God allowed me to understand that He views them: as helpless children in need of love and direction.
So my prayer is that God would help me to overcome fear and turn it into motivation instead; that He would restore in me a sense of urgency to show off the cross when I am among others. I want to be who He created me to be and be bold to preach the gospel! That I would once again feel as invincible as I did in my own youth because I trust the my Lord is for me and against my enemies as He has promised.**** Then I would not feel scared that my family is being hunted by evil but I'd remember the truth that we are far more heavily pursued by the peace of our Heavenly Father.
It is ironic that I feel this attack when I am most convicted to begin a blog declaring the power of the Lord to the world, isn't it? I told you that this was an unusual struggle for me. We will surely face fear. Here's the thing though, if my mind truly is set on eternity and my purpose, if I do use the tools God gave me to further His kingdom then I have some serious power through the Holy Spirit. That means when I come face to face with fear, I will not be the one trembling! That power is available to all who surrender to the Lord. Come to the cross!
I need Jesus...only Jesus. He is the One thing worthy and I choose Him.
*https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/271217.php
** ”Unto the woman he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee.” Genesis 3:16 KJV
*** Isaiah 41:10, Isaiah 8:12, Lamentations 3:57, Romans 8:15, 1 Peter 3:14 to name a few...there are MANY other notable sites calling us to not fear the world but to reverently fear the LORD.
****Psalm 18:48, Psalm 138:7, Psalm 68:20, Judges 2:18, Psalm 106:10 ..again, there’s plenty more references worthy of listing.
Go read these verses before you get back to facebook ;)